Killing two birds

00:23 a.m

My phone beeps. Again.

Two men are waiting for me to respond: The boyfriend, for a retort to his goading reaction to my earlier sarcasm, and the obstinate Chris, for a response to his call for bedtime action.

I just lie down in bed, disgusted by and yet still wanting both for different reasons.

Evidently when it rains it bloody pours, because just 24 hours ago I was feeling a little bit lonely and quite ignored.

But defiance gets the better of me and I end up replying to one.

Two hours later.

Bits of me are still feeling tingly, and definately less ignored. But perhaps still lonely, I find myself replying to the other finally.

The answer's less than satisfactory, so I think I'll be passively even more defiant, and invite that one over too.

Inwardly, perhaps we're all just contemptuous children, unsatisfied with not testing the boundaries of no's and shouldn't's, and all just wanting to see how much it takes to cause an explosion.

It's not what you're thinking! I'm not letting him do more than massage my shoulders. God knows I don't have the energy for it again after Chris. But it's good enough to soothe my injured pride just knowing how much of an insult it would be if he only knew...

Sometimes I want to tell him directly not to try and play games with me, because girls can play a lot better than men can.

We know how to cheat, you see.