In the entire group of maybe a dozen friends, half the boys have had a thing for me every time I've gotten to know them better at different times over the years.
First it was the talented Nathan who had a school-days crush on me way back then. He'd write me songs and find reasons to sit beside me during breaks when we weren't even from the same department. Then it was sweet, quiet Stewie, who confessed he'd always had a thing for me from the moment we'd met. Whom I felt genuinely sorry to refuse, though I'd never date him . Then Matt the player, who even wrote to his buddy overseas asking for advice on what would impress me. A while ago, it was the perennially funny Evan whom I'd worked with on a small project, who'd try and hide his fluster by cracking jokes around me, but the sheepish grin and lack of eye contact always gave him away.
Most recently, I've been feeling the vibes from Justin.
When we first met in a club with the rest, he'd been blind drunk and tried to dance with me. Failing to do so, he resorted to dancing around me and buying me a lot of drinks. That was five years ago.
He's since graduated from uni, gotten a job, as well as engaged. The wedding's been pending for a while now, for ambiguous reasons.
I've been telling myself it's all in my head, and I'm willing to be proven wrong. Anyway, just because he's attracted doesn't mean he's going to try and do anything about it. I'm just getting it out of my system here so that the next time we all meet up and he gives me the ubiquitous lingering gaze, (you know the one, where they're talking to someone from across the room but their eyes are speaking directly to you for about five seconds longer than they should before pulling away) I can flippantly pretend I don't notice.
I first did notice a while ago, when he'd make a point of smiling brightly and waving every time I joined the group. At first I thought it odd that he'd be accidentally catching my eye every so often from across the table, fiancee by his side.
I figured it out the night I wore the plunging halter top, after feeling his nervous gaze drop from my chest quickly to his drink.
Last night we'd all gone for a drink at a local watering hole and I'd shown up late, saying hi to everyone else first. I swear I wasn't imagining when I say I noticed him brooding at the back of the group and then suddenly get up to go to fetch a drink, asking if anyone wanted anything and then finally making rather loaded eye contact with me.
But really, what does he expect? For me to follow him to the bar one day and initiate some private small talk that turns into a few private texts, that turn into a private meeting? I'm sorry J, you may have cleaned up your act and cute-ened up some, but it wasn't going to happen back then and it still isn't, particularly now that you're engaged.
And if you're looking for that last tryst to ease your wedding jitters, I am not about to be the deal-breaker.
So. That decision having been made, I can now go on to torture him with a few knowing smiles and a little leg crossing, all the while already knowing that it isn't going anywhere at all.
Men are so easily distracted.